|thanks to amy becky ashley and amanda w who all came to my house this morning.. i love you guys.
||[Dec. 29th, 2005|06:09 pm]
Why do people always say one thing and then do the complete opposite? And why do they make empty promises without any intention to keep them? They just smile fakely and pretend that everything is okay but inside they really just want to explode with a thousand questions and comments that they are too afraid to say. Quit being so shy. It doesnt have to be like this where you cant say what you mean. If theres something on your mind I would rather you say it to my face than you lie to me and yourself when you tell me "its nothing" and shrug it off. That doesnt do anyone any good. It only causes more frustration and pain than there needs to be. And its not a big deal because everyone is hypocritical, I will not say that they arent because I know that everyone has more than one personality. There are just different people and circumstances which brings out different sides to each persons personality. But even though this occurs within each and every one of us, that doesnt mean we have to keep it in and hide it from everyone else. Embrace the true person you are and show it off to the rest of the world. If you are a heartless two faced bitch, who cares? So be it. But then again, you could be the gentlest nicest person out there and not even know how much you mean to those around you. There are some people who dont take time to express how they feel to the people they care about/ and or could care less about. I am destined to be the kind who is always jsut a little bit too late in letting that person know how I feel. I will probably always be that way. I cant help it. Its part of my true self. I never realize what Ive got until I am this close to losing it. I love life and pretty much everything about it, but I hate how I live. Why cant we just all take the risks that we want without any fear of rejection or humiliation or resentment? Its because we are so afraid that we cant even stand up to ourselves anymore. We dont have any courage left, and that is a sad fact. Once you have been beaten down by so many people, you cant take it any longer. And you start to put up walls and barriers. These walls are so hard to break down and I dont know if I can do it anymore. I dont know how. I am lost in a maze of brick and cement and its only closing me in the faster I search for a way out. There is no way out. We cant avoid it, the only thing we can do is to face ourselves and get through it, teeth clenched, and ready for anything. Dont with hold your inner self in the process, because in the end youre the only foolish one. I miss somebody very much right now but I am almost certain that this person is not even thinking about me at all. I dont know what I was thinking in keeping my thoughts inside my head, but I certainly have paid the price for it. And this is not the first time. I seem to be sensing a pattern. I hope the rest of my life is not like this because I dont know how I am ever going to get on with it, and tear down the walls. I am a weak person, and I am easily knocked off my feet. There has got to be some way in which I can help myself to recognize my problems before they arrive. And its not that I dont recognize them at all, its that I see them much too late, or that I just ignore them because I am living too much in the moment to care. I just wish I knew what was going to become of me; if this is even worth it. I need to feel some sort of comfort again; i need to be alive. Where do I find this kind of comfort and happiness? In others. I am dependent. And I really need someone to be there. And not just anyone. "Someone". They wont ever know how much it would mean to me for them to just be real and tell me the truth. I also miss some one who has been gone for a long time. I am sorry that I didnt see you on monday. I couldnt make it. But I miss you so much, and I had a dream about you last night and we were best friends like we always have been, and it was so horrible when I had to wake up. I just wish that there wasnt anything standing in the way of that happening again because I miss your old life.
So many things are missing and theyre just eating me away. And I wish I could get them back, but thats not a possibility. I guess Ill just have to suck it up, and move on. I dont know anything right now, but I guess telling you all about it isnt doing much for either of us is it? I know no one actually read this whole monster entry, but if you did, I really appreciate the time you took and it means a lot. Somebody comment so the next time I get on this thing, I dont have to stare at an empty email box. A call, or spontaneous drop by would be so much better. =/
I love everyone.
I love you.
I love you.
Britny Sharon Locke